Recovery: Dear 2014 Julia

Dear 2014 Julia,

I miss you. A lot of the time, I wish I were still you. But three years have gone by and we are not the same person anymore.

I think about you a lot. I talk and write about you here and there. And I often do it in a snobby way… I describe you as somebody who was weak, as somebody inferior to who I am now. As if I were ashamed of you. 
But that isn’t fair.

You are in fact one of the strongest people I know. You were so sick, so afraid, so exhausted and hopeless. It would have been so much easier to just give up. Oh you were so desperately close to not making it. It would have taken another month or a week, maybe even just one more day and it would have been over.

Sometimes I hate you for not just letting go. You could have just closed your eyes and keep drifting further and further away… 
But you didn’t. I look into your tired, lifeless eyes and I don’t understand where you took that strength from, but you made the brave decision to fight for your life. For MY life. And oh Lord, what a fight it has been! So many tears, so many sleepless nights and endless pain. But you did it.

I am only here today because of you. Sometimes I love you for it, sometimes I hate you.

Sometimes I ask myself: If you could see me now, would you be proud of who I am today?

Did I let you down because I am still struggling? Are you disappointed because the battles you bravely started are still far from won?

I am doing the best that I can. Just like you did.

Dear 2014 Julia. I am not ashamed of you. You are always gonna be a part of who I am, but I have to let you go. I will carry you in my heart forever, but I have to find who I can be without you.

You did so well. Every positive emotion I have, I only have because of you. Every smile, every dream, every song, every poem, every step… I owe it all to you.
Thank you for not choosing the easy way out. Thank you for sparing my family from the ultimate pain of losing a daughter and sister. Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for saving my life.
I am gonna make you proud.

Yours sincerely, 
2017 Julia

Follow Julia on Instagram at @julia_lucy_hope